/ #weight loss #diet 

Weight Issues

So a month ago we purchased a scale so that we can keep track of our weight loss journey. I stepped on the scale. My heart stopped and panic set in. I weighed 204 pounds. I started to cry in my head.

So I am officially obese. Yes that’s right. I’m super fat. I don’t want to make myself feel better about it by attributing it to my genes, pregnancies, or just being “big boned”… and I am NOT one of those people who will ignore it or be happy with what “God” has given me. And I am certainly not one of those people who refers to themselves as “Curvy.” Ok but really though, my genes do kind of suck and my body blows up when pregnant and I am really big boned…….but whatever.

I want to feel as uncomfortable about it as possible so it will further motivate me to lose weight. I actually don’t mind when people tell me off for being fat. I’d like to think they are coming from a place of “Get your shit together because I care about you.”

I was never a skinny person, but when I became pregnant with Valentino I really blew up into a balloon. I gained 60+ pounds. Then I had a cesarean which left me bedridden for a while and unable to diet and exercise for 2 months. Then the following month I got pregnant again. That made me fatter and fatter, until I only had about 2 outfits left that fit me, a double….no triple chin, and flabby arms and stretch marks EVERYWHERE! I went from a size 8 to a size 18. But even size 18 was too tight.

I couldn’t fit into any of my shoes, and even right now I only have two flats that fit. My feet and fingers even got fat. I couldn’t (and still can’t) get my wedding rings to fit….not even on my pinky finger. My earlobes got fat too.

So during my postpartum appt in February, the doc gave me the ok on dieting and exercise. Then, me and hubby decided to start hardcore dieting in March. I didn’t want to do it alone so I made him join me.

I did some research and decided I should try a Ketogenic diet. This is a high fat, moderate protein, very low carb diet that apparently works wonders, but is REALLY difficult. I’m never afraid of a challenge, so I thought, why not? Years ago, before ever being pregnant, I would be a serial dieter, but would only ever manage to lose just 2 or 3 pounds a month…with diet and exercise.

So we have been on this diet for about a month, from March 5-present…..and I’ve lost 15 pounds so far, but this diet is the DEATH OF ME!!!

The hardest thing about this diet? You’re only allowed to have 20g or less of carbs a day. That means no bread, no rice, no pasta, no beans grains or legumes, and not even milk. Forget about sweets.

This has been by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t even have fruit!

The first two weeks were the hardest. During these two weeks I realized how addicted I was to sugar. Sugar is like a drug….you must have it regularly or your body will go through withdrawals, that are pretty bad. After the first week of being on this diet, I started going through something commonly referred to as the “Keto flu.” I would become dizzy, light headed, and just literally felt sick. I would get this weird feeling all over that I cannot even describe to you….a feeling as if I’m on the verge of death. In my sleep I would dream of brownies, cakes and donuts. I would constantly have brain fog. There were countless times when I would walk into a room and completely forget what I was going to do. I would mix bottles and mix formulas that I would never have mixed up. Instead of drinking from my water bottle, I one time accidentally found myself putting a baby bottle in my mouth. I’ve even walked into a few walls.

It probably didn’t help that I had to look after an infant and a toddler, and would get very little sleep as a result. Salar had his own issues during this phase, and found himself struggling to concentrate while trying to develop software.

Eventually, after the 2nd week, we started to feel better. We still occasionally do dopey things here and there, but it’s getting better. I’ll write another post about what exactly Ketosis is, but for now I’d just like to vent about how much I hate dieting and hate being fat. I know I’m not the only out there. All you fat people out there in this world trying to lose weight, I feel for you. I know what you are going through….and I feel you when you refuse those cookies and then go cry in the shower, or hide under your bed instead of going out because of the shame….or whatever it is that you do. I genuinely feel for you, and I know your pain.

A few years ago, my closet used to be filled with gorgeous outfits from Karen Millen. I am obsessed with anything Karen Millen, their clothes are SO classy and fit me so well. It’s like they personally tailored all their clothes to be a perfect fit to my body. My husband used to buy me so many Karen Millen outfits that their Galleria store manager would text him whenever a new collection arrived or whenever there was a sale or event.

But now….they are all rotting away in my basement, untouched for 2 years. Now I shop at Kohls. Yes, KOHLS. FML. Karen Millen doesn’t even make outfits that would fit me. Tear. I don’t go shopping anymore. I don’t even go out anymore. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like I am too fat to go shopping or to go out. Two weeks ago me and Salar went to dinner at SAX in DC after years of not going into the city, and I felt REALLY out of place, in my size 18 dress and flats. Not fun.

So I decided I will NEVER be this fat again my life. There is nothing that feels as good as being comfortable in your own skin and confident in your appearance and weight. It just feels good to look good.

Some days I need more motivation than others, and some other days I feel ready to trade my dog for a brownie.

Poor Sir Edward

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Whenever I feel in the gutter, I look at these pictures and they somehow make me feel better and help me continue

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About: Leila Rahmanian and Salar Rahmanian

Leila Rahmanian is married to Salar Rahmanian. They live in the San Francisco Bay Area and have three wonderful kids, two boys named Valentino Rahmanian and Caspian Rahmanian and a beautiful daughter named Persephone Rahmanian.