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I Had a Miscarriage

Earlier today I had a miscarriage. For the past week I’ve been non stop cramping, and spotting here and there. I didn’t really think much of it. Then last night I noticed bright red blood and a few clots….so I thought, yikes, this doesn’t look good. Then I did what anyone else would do….I immediately googled it. I’ve never had a miscarriage before, so I didn’t know what to expect or what it would be like. Does it hurt? Is it supposed to make me emotionally unstable? Would I need surgery? Does the surgery hurt? Do I have to go to the hospital? Google didn’t help me much. I basically just read a bunch of online mommy forums with moms complaining of the same symptoms and other moms advising them to go to the hospital. So then I just watched an episode of True Blood and then went to bed (did you know I’m obsessed with vampire shows? I’m such a teenager).

I woke up at 5 am to go to the bathroom this morning and noticed more blood that was bright red and more blood clots. Then I thought, ok, I’m definitely miscarrying, but I’m still tired. So I went back to bed.

Then a few hours later I woke up and noticed even more bleeding. So then we called the doctor. She said it’s nothing to worry about unless the bleeding is as heavy as period blood, but that we can go to the hospital if we want. About an hour later, the bleeding increased, and I had begun to cramp really bad. Then we thought, ok, we should probably go to the hospital now.

So my mom comes over to babysit the kids and we go to Fairfax Hospital. While waiting in the ER I was in excrutiating pain. My cramps were so bad that I squeezed Salar’s hand till it turned blue.

At the hospital, they put an IV in and had me pee in a cup. At this point I was bleeding heavily, and it was getting all over my blankets and gown. So gross and so messy. They took my vitals and offered me some morphine. I said no thank you to the morphine, and off I went for an ultrasound. While having an ultrasound, the technician said she couldn’t tell me what she sees, and that the doctor will come talk to us about the results afterwards. They started with a regular ultrasound, and then they did a transvaginal ultrasound. It was really uncomfortable and hurt at times too. Then the doctor came, and had to do another transvaginal ultrasound because there was something they couldn’t see clearly. The doctor then said that there was nothing in the uterus, and it looks like it’s an early pregnancy that went wrong. He told us that there is a sac that looks like it’s on it’s way out.

I then was wheeled back to my room in the ER when they told me that my blood tests came back positive for pregnancy, and that my HCG level was around 480. The ER doctor then performed a cervical exam and told me that because the cervix is still closed, I could still be pregnant, and that it’s a “threatened miscarriage” which meant that there was a 50% chance of it being a miscarriage.

At this point I was annoyed. The radiologist said there wasn’t anything there, and the ER doctor was telling me they’re not completely sure. Then they conferred with another doctor and said it’s most likely a miscarriage. They told me that my body is in the process of expelling the sac, and the cramps and blood clots are the start of it. They said this will probably continue for a few days, and recommended that I see my OBGYN in a few days time so that they can confirm that the miscarriage happened with no complications.Then they took out my IV, gave me discharge paperwork and sent us off. They said to take Tylenol on a need to basis and to rest a lot.

A part of me feels like everyone was tiptoeing around the word miscarriage, like it’s some sinister word that sends alarm bells off and will turn the expecting mother into a devastated weeping frenzy. All the medical professionals were really gentle and were constantly telling me how sorry they were and asking me if I was okay. The truth of it- was that I was perfectly fine. I didn’t cry, or even shed a tear. Why? Maybe because it was my third pregnancy and because I already have two kids at home. Had it been my first pregnancy, maybe I would have felt a bigger loss. It probably would have been a bigger blow, and would have probably had me wondering if my body works like it’s supposed to or if there’s something wrong with me. Also- maybe I wasn’t that affected because it was so early in the pregnancy. Had I been past the first trimester and expelled a fetus that looked like a small person I probably would have freaked out.

I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have a full term baby miscarriage, and have to pick out a baby coffin. THAT would have been traumatic. But expelling some blood clots here and there didn’t send me over the edge. In fact, I feel like it’s a normal thing. It’s a natural process. My body was simple expelling a botched embryo. Maybe it didn’t have the correct chromosomes, and maybe it would have turned out severly disabled had it survived. I feel like it’s kind of similar to having food poisoning. Your body is getting rid of something that isn’t right and that shouldn’t be there. Does what I’m saying make sense? Do you get it?

Anyways, I thought I’d share as not many people discuss miscarriage and many think it’s something to be ashamed of. I feel like there’s absolutely no reason to be ashamed of it and that it’s a completely natural thing that sometimes happens.

About: Leila Rahmanian and Salar Rahmanian

Leila Rahmanian is married to Salar Rahmanian. They live in the San Francisco Bay Area and have three wonderful kids, two boys named Valentino Rahmanian and Caspian Rahmanian and a beautiful daughter named Persephone Rahmanian.